Is This Something I Want Or Something I Need?
To make getting what you want simple and easy, just use my Be-Do-Have model. I’ll explain shortly. But first let’s be clear on what you want. Are you really clear on what you want?
Are you more focused and successful in getting what you need Vs. what you want? Most of us are. If there is something that you absolutely need then it seems to take precedence and priority over things that we simply want or desire.
For the sake of this article let’s assume we have moved up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and are strictly discussing what it is we want. You could in fact argue that the list of desires we have are not at all related to our needs. However the argument I pose is that the desires we have feed a part of our psyche and our emotional longings that in fact fill a need within us. The need to improve, achieve, grow and succeed.
So if filling our wants and desires is in itself a human need, then understanding the dynamics of getting what we want will in fact be addressing a fundamental need we have to grow improve and succeed. This brings us closer to the pinnacle of Maslow’s pyramid – Self Actualization.
Although our specific desires and wants are not classified as needs, having the wants and desires is part of the human experience. Therefore filling these desires can be considered a need.
Simply put – we have a need to pursue our wants and desires. Even though that is not spelled out on Maslow’s chart – it is just as important as any other level leading to the top layer.
To start this journey of getting what you want, you have to start with the fundamentals and really get clear on what it is that you really want.
Think of a time when you wanted something so bad that you could not think of anything else? It could be something a simple as wanting your favorite dish to eat. Not because you had the need to eat but you have the strong taste for that one thing and you couldn’t get it out of your mind.
Will Getting What You Want Make You Happy?
Subconsciously you evaluate the things that you believe will make you happy or at least satisfy you for the moment, and that gets a spot on your list of ‘Things I want.’ How long it stays on the list or what spot it holds in priority on that list may vary. Still the want or desire is there and if it is strong enough – it cannot be ignored.
This doesn’t have to be too complicated – but the truth is – when we pull back the curtain, what is revealed to us is a fairly complex arrangement of desires that seem to have an impact on our happiness.
Of course we want it all don’t we? In just doing a quick brainstorm of the specific things you want are any of the following on your list?
Car, House, Money, Job, Health, Status, Respect, Knowledge, Computer or other equipment, Clothes… The list can get quite long if we keep going.
To make the discussion relatively simple and digestible let’s start with the areas that most if not all of your wants can be categorized into.
- Health – Lose weight, Fitness, Healed from illness, etc.
- Finances – More money and financial freedom
- Career – Better job, Promotion, Satisfying work, etc.
- Relationships – Marriage or intimate, Friends, Family dynamics, Boss or Co-worker dynamics, etc
It May Not Be That Simple
You are a multidimensional being with at least four major layers to you. Having an appreciation for the dimensions of who you are is important as well.
Your Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual layers have a lot to do with your drive to obtain the things you want. As you seek to acquire many of the things that are on your list of wants, you should pay attention to the dimension of you that may be driving that desire.
Reaching this awareness is a critical step in aligning and positioning yourself in the best manner to get the things you want.
I call this an internal focus and awareness. The ‘Being’ of the Be Do Have triad. The lasting things you have in your life currently are a result primarily of the person you have become. The Being of who you are or who you are becoming.
Being Doing and Having are intertwined in a way that is not serial. The Being Doing and Having all exist simultaneously. the nature of what you have and what you do will change with who you become. By this I mean as an example – that if you are struggling with your physical, mental, emotional or spiritual self then the nature of what you do and have will be completely different than if your were whole in your physical, mental , emotional or spiritual self.
It then stands to reason that if these layers of who you are affect the quality of your experience in Doing and Having, then it is critical that we pay close attention to the Being (the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual layers of who we are.)
You may have heard the quote, “Money cannot buy happiness.”
This is testament to how just Having isn’t always enough for us. Happiness does not come from having, but from Being. The same is true relative to Doing. The quality of our experience does not come from our Doing but from our Being.
It is unfortunate that many people discover this after they have acquired wealth or other accomplishments. These same people although from the outside look like they have it all find themselves on a continued search for happiness and fulfillment.
What makes this scenario unfortunate is the a a certain stage in their lives they realize the gap but are not equipped to go inward to find the missing components that bring fulfillment. As a result the cycle continues and they attempt to buy happiness or look externally for it through relationships, material things, drugs, or other means outside of themselves.
Here’s an obvious comment but one worth saying aloud. This does not just affect people with material wealth. All of us are susceptible to this trap. You may have experienced this feeling of incompleteness regardless of your economic status.
If that is the case, then the takeaway for you may be the realization that pinning your hopes of a more fulfilled happy life is dependant on getting past your current financial challenge. It may present itself to you as finding that great loving relationship, or that perfect job. Regardless of the circumstance you’re facing, the one thing that remains the same is that you must start with Being before Doing and Having if you want the best shot at achieving happiness and fulfillment.
If your happiness and fulfillment are not recognized to be the real goal, then you will tend to miss the opportunity to point you inward to your true self. You may then seek your happiness through getting the car, house, money and so on. It is very easy to get blinded by the shiny object. So it is more important to focus on what feeling and satisfaction you are seeking and not the item you have selected to give you that feeling.
Don’t get me wrong. Doing and Having the things you want are a part of what you should go after. You can have happiness and fulfillment while enjoying the riches of life’s material bounty.
You Can Have It All
Some teachings would have you believe that true fulfillment and worldly riches cannot coexist. Fortunately I do not subscribe to that point of view. The good news is that you can have it all and enjoy it while being authentically happy and fulfilled.
My assertion in this writing subscribes to the tenet that happiness and fulfillment are more readily available and thus more easily obtained if you start with connecting, caring for and staying true to who you are. Start from the Being before the Doing and Having and all good things that life has to offer will be more readily available to you.
In your mind, your focus, your goal setting, your intentions, start with the Being and then the Doing and Having and you cannot go wrong. Using that rule of thumb can save you a ton of misery down the road.
Don’t Compromise Yourself
There are many times where you will be tested. There are times when a slight deviation or compromise to your values, your authenticity and true self will perhaps gain you some of the things you would really love to Do or Have. This conflict trips up so many people. It all comes down to choice and priorities. I am a big proponent of choice. It is the true power to shape your life that you have. I am not one to preach about what choice you should make – I am only here to empower you on your journey of life by clearly showing you the choices you have.
Allow me to reiterate and be clear. It is not a matter of Being Vs Doing and Having. Remember they all exist simultaneously. The issue is with respect to which is the driver.
My encouragement to you is to begin with the Being as the first consideration in the Be-Do-Have model.
Support and Help Is Available
Should you find yourself struggling with this concept of starting with Being in the Be-Do-Have model. Please reach out to me at ClarenceCaldwell.com to find coaching and support.
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