May 28, 2015
Your answer to this question may present a great opportunity for you to strengthen your relationship or an opportunity to discover the relationship that you were intended to be in.
If you’re having issues with your relationship or marriage you may want to consider what’s really going on. There is always a tendency to place blame. Here are a few of the things that I hear when I talk to people that are struggling with their marriage or relationship. ‘He just doesn’t do the things he used to.’ or He doesn’t give me the respect I deserve.’ or ‘She continues to hound me on things that are not a big deal.’ or so on and so on. There are just too many scenarios to name. When you hear these things from someone else other than yourself these comments seem trivial to some degree. I used to wonder why the relationship is in trouble with issues that don’t seem to be that significant. Even if the issues are relatively significant it always boils down to the same thing.
It’s them not me!
The truth is that we often justify the desire to break-up a relationship based on what the other person in the relationship is doing or not doing.
Now at this point you’re probably anticipating that I am going to say – that if you’re having these thoughts and feelings with your relationship, then the issue is likely with you and not the other person. You may also anticipate that I would direct you to examine what it is that you are doing to attract these unpleasant feelings between you and your partner.
You will be relieved to know that is not not where I am going this time. I am going to take this in a different direction all together. But I am not letting you completely off the hook. The fact remains that you really should take a closer look at what it is that you might be doing to contribute to the troubled situation. Not so much by what you’re actually doing or saying but by what you’re feeling and projecting into the relationship. But then again this is still just the blame game – only in reverse. That is to say – you’re the problem.
But let’s take the other path in this exploration to find the answer to these common problems of relationship breakdowns. It may not be a matter of either one of you being the problem. It could simply be that both of you together are the problem.
First of all there is a real need to determine if the person you are with is even the right person for you to be with. To be in an intimate committed relationship a few things must be considered when selecting your mate. Well beyond physical chemistry, initial attraction, or the fact that you always seem to have a good time together and seem compatible. Of course there is nothing wrong with any of that. These indicators can be a great way to demonstrate that the person is possibly thee one.
But together let’s explore one of the things that is a great identifier when choosing your potential mate. As I describe this item as a great gatekeeper to identifying your perfect mate, be aware that I am doing this for one reason. The reason is to merely point out to you that without this piece thoroughly vetted then the issues that come up in your relationship in the future may be much more difficult to solve or get past.
We all have challenges in our relationships – that’s just life. But when there are things that seem to be insurmountable in trying to keep the relationship together then it very well could be that this one piece is not firmly in place or well understood.
Some people may interpret this as being an issue of compatibility. But what I am discussing is much deeper. It is about having a real genuine connection at the deepest level. The connection of Mind or Body or Spirit. Yes I said OR. Of course two out of three is so much better than just one and three for three is simply fantastic. That is ideal. But whether it one out of three or all three, the key is to have a true recognition, acknowledgement and acceptance between you and your mate that the genuine connection is on one or more of these layers – Mind, Body or Spirit.
Knowing this up-front and possibly even discussing this up-front will do wonders for your ongoing relationship. You may find that one of you will not settle until you have found that deep connection on all three fronts. For example if the genuine intimate connection with your mate is primarily on an intellectual basis, and the other person feel the primary basis for the genuine intimate connection is physical, then you at least have a starting point for knowing where you may have issues in the future.
This may sound like a sterile view of relationships but if you take a look at your previous failed relationships then I have no doubt that you will recognize a misalignment in one or more of these areas.
If the person you were with was a lier or cheater then there was a spiritual level of alignment that was missing for you. The connection of values and trust can be seen as spiritual and that connection would have aligned you in a way to protect the relationship.
Lessons From Your Past
Likewise, in looking at your previous relationships, if there was a misalignment of physical attraction then this will show up over time as well. If the alignment is there then it is possible that this attraction was the only thing holding you together while the mind and spirit misalignment may have been too much to withstand the test of time.
So, in short the building or starting of a relationship should be clear with both people as to where the greatest alignment is and where there may be a misalignment. From this point, as adults, you can both enter into the relationship with eyes wide open.
If you find yourself in a current relationship where you did not have the opportunity to do this evaluation and discuss the areas of genuine connection. Then it very well could be that there is a misalignment between you today in one or more of these areas.
But all is not lost! This alone is not a reason to split up. You both may have such a love for the relationship for what it does bring to your lives that it may allow you to work through the areas where the intimate genuine connection is softer than you’d like. This is simply a matter of going in with the knowledge of the strong and weak aspects of your relationship, then deciding to stick with it just the same.
Either way I encourage you to have that discussion between the two of you so that you gain the alignment of what is holding you each there. This conversation can be tricky simply because there could be the discovery that one person loves one aspect of the other that may not be shared to the same degree in return. This could tend to produce hurt feelings and may in itself lead to one partner wanting to leave to find that aspect of the relationship that seems to be missing. So if you do this ‘relationship inquiry’ be prepared for any outcome. If you are not prepared or ready to go all in or all out – then I would not do it.
Decide Together If You Should Continue
However, if you find there is enough missing on one side or the other to become a showstopper – then making the change now may just be the best and most loving thing you can do for each other.
If you have read this blog alone and you want to have a discussion with your mate about what might be wrong in the relationship, then have him / her read this and begin the discussion simply about whether you agree with the article. Then if you both are willing to explore this concept further together – then do it.
Wishing you both the very best in love and happiness with each other or with the one you were meant to be with.
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